Happy Friday! I hope everyone had a great week. This Friday we are sharing a guest post from Dr. Minnie Claiborne, Therapist, Author and Relationship-Fitness Coach to help you get relationship ready!
The definition of a flaw is a mark or error that makes something faulty (imperfect)
An example of a flaw is a scratch on a gem.
Fault is a negligent or intentional failure to act reasonably or according to law or
duty. It is an improper act or omission causing injury to another.
I chose the legal definitions of flaw and fault. In assessing ourselves and in profiling relationships or potential relationships, we need to be able to discern between a flaw and a fault. This may sometimes be subjective, but there are some key words and phrases that can help us to make a distinction between a flaw and a fault.
According to the above definitions, a flaw is an imperfection. Everyone has flaws. However, I think that in an effort to “not judge anyone”, we have abdicated our intuition and discernment, our gut-feelings and hunches. These innate endowments may well be among our best gauges for decision making. Incredibly, I have heard many people say, “deep down, I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway”. The most amazing are the ones who say, “God told me not to marry him or her, and I did it anyway.” If that’s you, ask for forgiveness, and let’s move forward. We have to keep living.
A flaw can be corrected or in many cases, accepted or tolerated. A flaw can be very annoying, but is not necessarily a relationship killer. Flaws can range from minor to serious. I think that in some cases, the difference between a flaw and a fault is determined by the attitude of the individual. If a seriously flawed individual or an individual who has a fault is humble enough to sincerely seek and pursue change, a partner may be able to exercise the necessary love and patience that are essential to work toward and support that change.
I am not talking about the empty promises that are selfishly motivated. Some people will say anything in order to get what they want. Their sincerity can be determined by their actions.
Some examples that I would consider flaws are a partner who picks his or her nose or who snores, a partner who is habitually late, leaves clothes where they take them off, a bad cook, has stinky feet, laughs too loud, talks with a mouth full of food and etc. A flaw can be an annoying habit. These can be more serious things such as a partner who has anxiety attacks, a partner who has health issues, or depression. If the core of that person is good and kind, the flaws can be corrected or tolerated.
Let’s compare this with the definition of a fault. A fault is a negligent or intentional failure to act reasonably or according to law or duty. It is an improper act or omission causing injury to another. That definition is pretty serious and very scary when applied to the attitudes and behaviors of an individual. A person who has faults can be potentially dangerous, even deadly.
Some of the behaviors that I would classify as a fault and probably relationship killers are: violent, abusive behavior, possessive jealousy, anger and rage, drug and alcohol addiction, adultery, sexual lust and incest, greed, deceitfulness, lying, irresponsible and blatantly not fulfilling the commitment, men not being providers, gambling and other addictions, untreated serious mental illness, engaging in illegal behaviors, unloving, not affectionate, and other destructive behaviors.
Many women and some men are natural nurturers. Some are co-dependent. These individuals are often drawn into a faulty relationship because of their caring, tolerant natures. Be aware, you may be a care-giver by profession and by nature, but to live with a person who persists in the behaviors that I have just described is virtual suicide. The stress of being exposed to such behaviors in a relationship 24/7 takes extreme grace, and could literally destroy you. In such cases, you will need survival tools to preserve your soul and your sanity. In the cases of abusive relationships, you will probably need to escape. In order to escape and not be seriously harmed or killed, you will need a plan.
Find information and resources in Dr. Minnie’s latest book: “PROFILES OF DISASTER-PRONE RELATIONSHIPS- How to Detect, Avoid, Survive or Escape Them. Available on her website also this Saturday she is hosting “The Relationship Event” helping people get relationship ready in Mobile Feb 3rd, 2018. On Facebook join her exclusive Facebook Group “Let’s Talk Love and Relationships with Dr. Minnie” where she talks Love and Relationships weekly!!